Do you ever...

Do you ever feel that if you're not helping someone, you're useless? Like if you have no "project" to help, then whats the point? I have that problem. I know i need to get over it....but i'm happiest when i'm helping someone out a lot. And it brings me down when i cant help, or i'm too late. I hate being too late. I dont know what to do with myself when i'm too late. I also hate it when i'm not trusted....that really gets to me. I am probly the #1 person for anyone to trust, so it hurts my feelings sometimes. But then again, i guess it's not my place to try and help many people. but then what is my place?Geeze, i'm so easily brought down.....what a woman.....fuck.I'm ready to get out of here. Be on my own. My aunt has offered me a job for the weekends at her restraunt, which is a step further to independance. I am all for it. And the pay is very good. It's a restraunt where only rich people go to. I'd get to dress all nice and shit, very cool. Then when i do that for the summer, I can work as a lifeguard too, so i'll be rollin' in the dough. I like money.My birthday is coming up. I'll finally be 18. That'll be cool. I wonder what i'll be doing for my brithday. I wonder if i'll bother having a party. Maybe, maybe not. We'll see. need some good luck, I need a best friendI need a rough dog, I need a mountainI need some new clothes, a tv, a causeA trip to nirvana, a thrill of applauseI need a wet kiss, I need to confessI need a vision, religionThe right to be silent, then to be heardA week on an island, a diet that worksI need a dose of the bible, another course in survivalJust talk about the essentials, to make me feel aliveThat's all I need, see how easy I am to pleaseThat's all I need, see how easy I amI need some money, more money and more timeA strong cup of coffee, a haircut, a lifelineA stranger to trust me, my father to love meSeattle, a sunburn, and lots of Todd RungranI need a guitar, to do it on all foursCool friends, weekend, and someone to die forWhen I'm alone on my couch, nothing can settle me downI'm adding on to my list, it makes me feel aliveThat's all I need, see how easy I am to pleaseThat's all I need, see how easy I amI need a guru, I need to chillI need a Mercedes 280SL, yeah,That'll fix it, I'll be completeI need a, I need, I need aThat's all I need, see how easy I am to pleaseThat's all I need, and maybe then I'll be completeThat's all I need, I'm not asking for everythingThat's all I need, see how easy I am

....to BOLDLY go where no woman has gone before...or something like that

Yes, that's my dream, to do great things....wether its on a large or small scale. It doesnt matter. Probly in psychology, i seem to have a knack for that, and i love using that knack. If not that, then most definitely in the movie business one way or another, so we'll see how it all goes. I could possibly even do both. I could also do art and write (books, music, etc) on the side....that would be cool, I'LL BE RICH! hahaha. But deep down, i do like helping people with their problems. Not so much on a "do you have a headach" scale....but more on the mental side. Emotional problems. I can already analize situations some people have (friends, family members, etc) and figure out how the problem could be solved fairly quickly...so i think thats a good thing to have. I understand ,and can interprate, how a person's mind works, mostly because i am really good at putting myself in other's shoes....you'd be amazed, althoug it sometimes drives me crazy thinking so much. But it comes naturally. And I'm not bias, and that's always good. I dont judge, and I think that makes people feel better talking to me...and i like that. It just sucks that i dont really have anyone willing to listen to me with the help in return....oh well, i'll deal...heh heh, i have no idea why i'm babbelling on about this. Sorry.It's extremely cold in my room. I'm not quite sure, but it always is. Winter sucks. My skin gets so dry and I am almost always cold. I start shaking really quickly when it's cold.SometimesI wish I was braveI wish I was strongerI wish I could feel no painI wish I was youngI wish I would tryI wish I was honestI wish I was you not I'CauseI feel so madI feel so angryI feel so callousSo lost, confused againI feel so cheapSo used, unfaithfulLet's start overLet's start overSometimesI wish I was smartI wish I made cures forHow people areI wish I had powerI wish I could leaveI wish I could change the worldFor you and me'CauseI feel so madI feel so angryI feel so callousSo lost, confused againI feel so cheapSo used, unfaithfulLet's start overLet's start over'CauseI feel so madI feel so angryI feel so callousSo lost, confused againI feel so cheapSo used, unfaithfulLet's start overLet's start overI feel so madI feel so angryI feel so callousSo lost, confused againI feel so cheapSo used, unfaithfulLet's start overLet's start over

......bite me......

I am not in a good fucking mood. I am fucking tired, so no, this is not PMS. I've got too much damn homework, and i'm probly gunna be up till midnight again. everyone is pissing me off or stressing me out, and no one seems to give a flying fuck about anything important, or things i'm concerned about. You all just think i'm full of shit and worry about senseless things, well no, there is reasoning behind my stess, so just piss off if you got a problem. Yes, i am cussing alot, but thats because i'm pissed, and again, tired. Not only am i tired from lack of sleep, but i'm tired of everything else too....i'm tired of school, i'm tired of people, i'm tired of being tired. Nobody really wants to listen, so thats why i'm typing it down here, cuz i need to get it out somehow, dont i. And since i'm most likely not going to do anything about my anger, here it is. i just want to sleep. i want to get away from everyone and just sleep. i dont want to worry about anyone cuz they dont want to worry about me, or me even to worry about them in the first place. I'm sorry if i care...i'm one of the few out there who give a fuckin shit. So everyone, if i've seemed grumpy or down in the dumps, here are the reasons why. yes, i'll get over it, soon probly, at least on the outside.Maybe life is like a ride on a freewayDodging bullets while you're trying to find your wayEveryone's around, but no one does a damn thingIt brings me down, but I won't let themIf I seem bleakWell you'd be correctAnd if I don't speakIt's cause I can't disconnectBut I won't be burned by the reflectionOf the fire in your eyesAs you're staring at the sunWhen I ran I didn't feel like a runawayWhen I escaped I didn't feel like I got awayThere's more to living than only survivingMaybe I'm not there, but I'm still tryingThough you hear meI don't think that you relateMy will is somethingThat you can't confiscateSo forgive me, but I won't be frustratedBy destruction in your eyesAs you're staring at the sun

Walla' Walla...boo bop, dont ask why....

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNIN' KING GEORGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!OK, so i know it's not the moring, but i'm watching GOOD MORNING VIETNAM, and i think it's almost over. I thinks it's pretty good, even though it makes some of the millitary look like evil asshols, which, believe me, is not true. Hollywood just likes to make those who are fighting for our country look like complete dickheads. I'm not sure why, they just do. Hmmm, I feel like singing and dancing....I donno why, i'm just happy, estatic even....bizzar.Well, the movie is over....what do i do now. Well...continue working on my AP History homework. I think i'm starting to get in the groove of things.I think the school should have a in-school radio station through out the day. I've heard of high schools doing this. It plays softly in the hallways, as to not disturb the students, and if a teacher wishes, can play it during class. I would love to be the DJ too. i think it could do it really well. And we could have annoucements with that radio thingie, and they would be fun, entergetic, people would actually listen to them. Thats what we need...Hmm, i think i could be a writer, for movies possibly, maybe even books, or music, or something like that. That could always been a back up. I'm a good writer, I just need the drive. I can always write on the side if i feel the need. That would be fun. I feel like painting on walls. I want to paint movie stuff on the walls, that would be flippin' awesome, and i think everyone would love it! it would be great, and i could have people help as well.........AWESOME"ok, so, who doesn't own a cell phonewho brought back their permission slipbecause i know nobody wants to stay homewhile the rest of us go out and make a day of itcause theme parks are so much more fun when the sun's outsideand i lost my phone to the lake beneath the batman ridethey're starting something, and i don't want to begin itthey're looking for trouble, but with me it won't be foundand i regret that i'm completely out of daytime minutesand so i guess i'll have to wait a lot till 8 o'clock comes aroundok, so, who doesn't own a cell phonewell i don't need to ask my friendsbecause i know mine was fastened to my jawbonethanks to all those nights and weekendscause theme parks are so much more fun when the sun's outsideand i lost my phone to the lake beneath the batman ridethey're starting something, and i don't want to begin itthey're looking for trouble, but with me it won't be foundand i regret that i'm completely out of daytime minutesand so i guess i'll have to wait a lot till 8 o'clock comes aroundwhen it comes to relationships i'm the dumbest oneand i don't mean just with girls, i mean with everyoneyour illustrations always point out just what's wrong with meit's chapstick, and chapped lips, and things like chemistryit's chapstick, and chapped lips, and things likeit's chapstick, and chapped lips, and things likeit's chapstick, and chapped lips, and things like chemistrycan i relate to you the way you relate to mecan you help me out with my chemistryi don't want to be precieved the way i ami just want to be percieved the way i am"

...Saturday...

UHHGGG, my stomach hurts! WHY?! WHY DOES IT HURT?! I dont understand?!...could it have been the pizza? I dont know?! OH GOD! (actually, i'm over doing it a bit....it doesnt hurt THAT bad, but it does hurt.)Anyways, my day has gone pretty well. Woke up around 9...which is late for me cuz my damn sisters like to get up at the crack of dawn and turn the damn tv all the way up....but yes, i woke up at 9. then i waited for my mom to get done exercising, hoping i would be able to as well, but didnt get the chance. Then I went to Nash's house to get crackin' on the shitload of homework we have for AP History. OK, so it may not be a SHITLOAD to everyone else...but it is to me. I went from no homework to this shit....it's hard. So we got about half of it done, then....we stopped doing homework....then we went to church. Nash was more anal about being all serious about church than i was....and he's not even catholic....I think I'm losing faith in my religion. I mean, i still believe in the teaching....but i dont believe in the people today. I dont trust the church, people are not perfect, and yet we are suppost to put all of our faith and trust in this organization. Is it just me, or does that sound a little stuipid. People become corrupt, and the church has been corrupted before, so what stopping it from happening again.....sorry, just a random thoughtanyways....how are things?There's times where i want something moreSomeone more like meThere's times when this dress rehearsalSeems incompleteBut, you see the colors in me like no one elseAnd behind your dark glasses you're...You're something elseYou're really lovelyUnderneath it allYou want to love meUnderneath it allI'm really luckyUnderneath it allYou're really lovelyYou know some real bad tricksAnd you need some disciplineBut, lately you've been trying real hardAnd giving me your bestAnd, you give me the most gorgeous sleepThat i've ever hadAnd when it's really badI guess it's not that badSo many moons that we have seenStumbling back next to meI've seen right through and underneathAnd you make me betterI've seen right through and underneathAnd you make me betterBetter... better...You are my real prince charmin'Like the heat from the fireYou were always burnin'And each time you're aroundMy body keeps stalin'For your touchYour kisses and your sweet romancin'There's an underside to youThat so many adoreAside from your temperEverything else secureYou're good for me, babyOh that, i'm sureOver and over againI want moreYou've used up all your couponsAnd all you've got left is meAnd somehow i'm full of forgivenessI guess it's meant to beYou're really lovelyUnderneath it allYou want to love meUnderneath it allI'm really lovelyUnderneath it allAnd you're really lovely

The New Semester.....is gay

OMG, i friggin' hate the new semester. My classes are all crap and causing me major stress, and i miss all my old ones. Too much stress, and it's my last semester, so it sucks even more. This stress is gunna make me depressed, and i dont want to be depressed. I think i just need some sleep. ....but i'm having a shit-load of homework this weekend....not used to it. *sigh*OH, and i'm going to see a shrink (or something like that) in about 2 weeks. "Why?" You might ask? Well, i'm not going because I'm crazy (even though i might actually be crazy). It is because i believe i have ADD, and i wanna try to get it fixed. As for being crazy, during the evaluation we may or may not find some serious looniness going on in my head.

3 months!

Three Months BABY! Coolio, right? It sure is. Nash and me are so cute, it's true. Hee hee. *Doin' the happy dance* LALALA"i've got you under my skinI've got you deep in the heart of meSo deep in my heart, that you're really a part of meI've got you under my skinI've tried so not to give inI've said to myself this affair never will go so wellBut why should i try to resist, when baby will i know than wellThat i've got you under my skinI'd sacrifice anything come what mightFor the sake of having you nearIn spite of a warning voice that comes in the nightAnd repeats, repeats in my earDon't you know you fool, you never can winUse your mentality, wake up to realityBut each time i do, just the thought of youMakes me stop before i begin'cause i've got you under my skin'cause i LOVE you under my skin."